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Sometimes you can’t go back…

May 1, 2012

In April my milestone dates were quite different than they have been in the previous month. This weekend the Children’s Medical Surgical Center at Johns Hopkins moved to their new building, the Bloomberg Children’s Center. The place where Miranda lived her 28 days of life is now gone. In just about every way I can never go back. I have to move forward.

Last week after our family group the chaplain honored my request for one last walk through the PICU, most of these pictures are from that walk. I was able to go all the way to the end of the hall to the suite where Miranda had been (thankfully the bay she had was not filled with an ECMO bed this time), I also saw the room that I held her body in.

And I left the PICU and will never return.

picu entry

This was the sign that greeted you as you entered the JHH PICU.

And for this milestone weekend I was away from my family. I attended the 2:1 Conference from the 27th-29th. There were many tears on the drive down to Virginia and a few that first night as well. Thankfully I wasn’t with people who stared at me awkwardly wondering when I’d gain control. I was with sisters in Christ who understood grief.

excruciating wait

When Vince and I arrived from UMMC we went up to the 7th floor of the JHH to the PICU and waited to be told what was happening with our little one.

One of my roommates knows what it is like to live life after losing both of her parents tragically without warning.

The sweet friend I shared a dinner table with on Friday lost her sweet 5th child when she was 7 months old.

The dear friend that sat next to me in Amy’s break-out session on Saturday lost her home last year to a fire, and she had brought her precious little one with her.

This is Stephanie's little guy, the first time I saw him I knew he must be about the same age Miranda would be. He is six months old. He blessed my heart.

God knew what I needed this weekend. This was not plan B. There were tears. But they were good.

I’m okay with not being able to go back. We have chosen to go forward since the day Miranda was born. Losing her did not change our direction, it just jostled the path.

This room. It was the first room on the unit we were brought to. It was the room I used to pump for 28 days. It was the last room we sat in after Miranda died. It was the room where we signed all the papers.

He has more planned for us. We don’t know exactly what that is, we just keep walking through the doors He opens:

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”-Phillipians 1:6

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. jennifer williams permalink
    May 2, 2012 8:45 AM

    Love you. God Bless you and your courage for sharing all that you do.

  2. May 2, 2012 8:49 AM

    Much Love ❤

  3. May 2, 2012 2:15 PM

    “Losing her did not change our direction, it just jostled the path” … This is so beautiful my friend. Meeting you was such a blessing…know that I’m praying for you as you and your family continue–ever forward, but always in the palm of His hand.

  4. geegee7705 permalink
    May 2, 2012 5:35 PM

    Sis, I had a ton of emotions while reading this post last night and looking at the pictures. Wow did those pictures bring back a lot of feelings.. I am happy that experience helped you and I am so happy you had a good weekend at the conference.
    Love you all lots!! And I continue to think about your sweet precious little girl everyday. I miss her SO much. xoxo. ❤

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