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forgiving myself so that I can forgive others…

December 29, 2011

It is painful to admit but I have many regrets when it comes to Miranda.

My first regret is that when I found out I was pregnant I was not happy. I felt inconvenienced. I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t understand why God would bless us with another child when I so clearly hadn’t “adjusted well” to our 5th child and I certainly hadn’t gotten into a good routine for homeschooling. Yet He had chosen to bless us with a baby due at the start of the school year. I did get excited, but I regret that it wasn’t my immediate reaction.

I regret taking my pregnancy for granted. My pride and lack of humility was clear. I have always had uncomplicated and uneventful pregnancies. I am completely amazed by the miracle that God gives us in carrying a child, but I took all the little details for granted. I didn’t encourage Vince or the other children to feel my belly during kicks and hiccups, I selfishly pushed away hands when I felt “touched out” instead of encouraging them to all bond with the baby I enjoyed in my tummy. When I went for my ultrasounds I was excited to see that little life on the screen, but I shrugged off the techs offers for more pictures. I assumed I’d have a lifetime of capturing this little blessing with my camera.

I took for granted that my pregnancy would end in a healthy child.

I took for granted that the person I trusted for my prenatal care had the health and well-being of me and my child as the top priority. I regret that I didn’t check into the qualifications of ALL of the women who were doing my prenatal care. I regret that I didn’t ask questions. I regret that I didn’t do more homework. I regret that I trusted someone for SEVEN years and didn’t question that things might have changed over the course of time. I regret that I ignored things that should have caused concern. I regret that I didn’t ask why I saw birth assistants for prenatal appointments and only saw my midwife every other visit.

I regret that I lost my voice.

I regret that I didn’t insist on holding my daughter before the ambulance took her. I regret that I didn’t insist on accompanying Miranda during her transport to Carroll. I regret that I didn’t know how grave the situation was.

I regret feeling arrogant.

I’m thankful that the first thing I did was dedicate her back to the Lord.

I regret not bringing my camera to the hospital sooner. I regret how few pictures I have of her while she was alive.

I regret how unprepared I was for her last day, that I didn’t have clothes that would fit her, that I didn’t bring a dark ink pad for footprints and handprints, that the afternoon went to fast.

I regret that losing my daughter did not make me a better mother to my living children.

Last night I prayed that God would forgive me of my sins of my ungratefulness, my pride, my arrogance, my lack of humility, my complacency.

Today Miranda would be three months old.

I know that God is faithful and just to forgive me of my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.

I pray He gives me the grace to forgive myself and the grace to forgive others who have hurt me.

 

 

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Lisa permalink
    December 29, 2011 2:41 PM

    { Tears. } I cannot imagine the thoughts that can surface during this time. I am lifting you in prayer!! You are an AMAZING mom and a precious child of God. ❤

  2. December 29, 2011 3:46 PM

    Lisa, your words are poignant. The regret, the grief, the imperfections of this life are overwhelming. Thank you for sharing your heart. You are His vessel. 2 Cor 1:3 paraphrased… Blessed be God who comforts us so that we can comfort others. Your real-ness and candor are much needed in this life. Praying for you and yours. Kim

  3. December 29, 2011 5:42 PM

    Losing Miranda WILL make you a better mother to your other children if you want it to. But it might take time.

    It’s been 18mo since we buried our daughter, and I’m a different person now. A different mother. It takes time, though, to form a “scab” over the wound in your soul. It’s going to keep getting ripped off over and over during these early, fresh, raw days, weeks and months.

    Please give yourself grace. Don’t live in regret. I’m not sure you can ever “expect” these things. There is so much I could have done differently, too. *sigh*

    At first, I was so scared to love my living children, for fear that God might take one of them, too. I was either a terrific mom, and we all sat around and read books and hugged each other all day (as I frantically tried to make memories with them) OR, more often I kept them at arms length as I tried to function. I snapped, I cried, I kept pushing them away. They wanted things I was so scared to give – mainly love.

    It gets easier. I won’t say better. The missing doesn’t really go away. But the intensity changes. And today, I can say that loving and losing our daughter HAS made me a far better daughter, sister, wife and mother.

    ~hugs~

  4. Pennie permalink
    December 29, 2011 6:16 PM

    Lisa
    the best way I can respond is to simply say…I LOVE YOU and your wonderful family. you are such an encouraging, and human friend. though we dont talk often enough I want you to know how much I appreciate you.
    love you
    Pennie

  5. Heidi permalink
    December 30, 2011 5:22 PM

    (((((((Hugs))))))))

  6. nataliespargo permalink
    January 1, 2012 12:31 PM

    I am so sorry for your loss.
    I pray that in times of your deepest and darkest hours you will feel His arms holding you up.
    I pray for peace in the waves of grief.
    ~

  7. January 13, 2012 11:11 PM

    Lisa – I just read this and I want you to know that I have been thinking about you. I can’t imagine the regrets, but I think it must be a good thing to voice them. To write them out and then give them to God. I will pray that 2012 will be a year of thanks and not regret for you! I am reading 1000 Gifts. Have you heard of it? I think you would like it 🙂 I will pass it on to you when I am done. xoxo

  8. January 18, 2012 9:13 PM

    I read your heartfelt words a few days ago. They have resonated with me. Today, while praying for you, this song came to mind:

    I am praying for continued healing, as you rest in the Palm of His hands. ❤

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