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now what…

December 2, 2011

It has been a little over two months since Miranda was born. It’s been just over as month since she died.

Now what? Where do we go from here?

I feel like I’m still stuck in limbo. We haven’t started to really school again just yet. Thanksgiving came and went fairly uneventfully and surprisingly lacking an emotional breakdown (Thursdays are usually pretty hard for me since it is the day of the week she was born and also the day of the week she died).

Now here we sit in the first week of December.

How did that happen?

Most days I flounder between feelings of what I was “supposed” to be doing and what is really going on in our day-to-day. Christmas is coming quickly and I’m torn between wanting to just forget it is even on the calendar because I don’t get to celebrate with my youngest daughter and thinking of ways to keep it special for my living children and honor it as the day we celebrate Christ’s birth along with honoring the memory of our Miranda.

It’s a tough spot to be.

I had high hopes of creating a list of Advent activities for us to adventure through together. Truth is I’m an extraordinary procrastinator and wasn’t able to get my ideas out of my head and into tangible form this year. So instead of making some big production we’ll just kind of wing it. I’m not going to tell the children what I have planned in advance for a couple of reasons; 1. They would nag me to tears. Love them dearly but nothing sucks the joy out of life like incessant nagging. 2. I’m enough of a realist to know that there will be plenty of days that we won’t get around to our activity of the day and then the perfectionist in me will want to double up on things so as not to miss out on any of the good-stuff.

So what will I do?

We’ll have a few field trips. We’re going to a firehouse for a tour today.

We’ll go to cut down our Christmas tree in the middle of the month.

We’ll make Christmas cards and bring them to one of the assisted living homes near us.

We’ll visit with friends.

We’ll do a bunch of crafts.

We’ll bake cookies.

We’ll do a little Christmas shopping.

We’ll paint Christmas ornaments.

We’ll miss Miranda through it all.

We’ll be thankful that even though she isn’t with us now that we had almost a whole month to love her while she was here.

We’ll choose something Christmas-y to go decorate Miranda’s grave site.

We’ll remember that Christ was born to die and that accepting the gift of His death is what ensures we’ll see our little girl again.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Marie Romano permalink
    December 2, 2011 11:36 AM

    You are still mourning, take it one day at a time. No expectations, keep it simple as you have. You are stuck, your life has taken a detour. Keep writing, it will help you recover. It is therapeutic. You are a role model for your children to follow. However, make time for yourself and allow yourself to grieve. My thoughts are with you all during this very difficult holiday season. Love to all.

  2. Emmaline H permalink
    December 2, 2011 11:41 AM

    You are so awesome and as mothers that is what we do. We keep going on though we are hurting. Although our situations are so different, we remember our little one with a snowglobe that we keep up all year. We also for Christmas have a special ornament that says “joy”. We didn’t know the sex of our little one so we just call him/her Joy. It has been nearly two years and things do get easier but I still dread to see Dec 16th come. But like you said we will see our children again and I can’t wait till that day. Know that you are in our prayers daily and that we love you with all our hearts.
    ❤ Emy

  3. Gina permalink
    December 3, 2011 8:03 AM

    Like Marie said you have to take one day at a time. I am so sorry you are going through this sis. We are all here for you no matter what. Your words are all so beautiful and I know it helps you to express yourself through typing. Keep it up. Miranda is missed truly by all of us. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I love you so very much. ❤

  4. December 5, 2011 1:57 AM

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