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everything has changed…

November 8, 2011

Everything in my life has changed, yet it is oddly the same.

Here we sit in the second week of November, eleven months after I became pregnant with Miranda.

But we’re still a family of seven.

Nearly a year has passed me by.

I went to the local knit night last night at the library. Someone asked me how the baby was doing and then quickly apologized when I told her that she died. Others came over and hugged me and quietly said they were sorry to hear about my loss. Like it was some secret we were keeping.

I know my baby is dead. It is okay to talk about it out loud. In fact I like talking about her. I don’t want to wipe it away like it never happened. Since the beginning of the year we had been waiting and preparing for her. She was born and lived for four weeks. I have memories of her. They are few, but they are there and I like sharing them.

I realize the awkwardness of it all. I’m sure I wouldn’t know what to say if I was on the outside of this either. I’m trying to be more sensitive now to others than I was before.

I am acutely aware that the world has not stopped since the birth and death of my little girl.

I don’t really want it to.

I just don’t want to pretend that everything is “normal”. On September 29th “normal” became a foreign concept to me, my husband and my children. We will never regain what was lost.

I don’t believe that God makes mistakes. I still know that the days Miranda’s birth and death were ordained before she had been formed.

But that doesn’t erase anything.

All those feelings are there. All the pain is there.

We just aren’t walking the path alone. My strength is NOT strong enough to get me through this grief. The notion that He doesn’t give us more than we can handle… Yeah, I don’t buy into that one. It certainly isn’t scriptural or true. Surviving the loss of my baby is MUCH MORE than I can handle. I’d be completely lost in despair if it were not for the strength of my Savior.

I have to lean on Him. To choose not to do so would be even more miserable.

My challenge is to figure out how to move forward embracing all that has changed in my life while from the outside everything still looks completely the same.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Lisa A. permalink
    November 8, 2011 10:24 PM

    His strength is shining through you! ❤ I am encouraged to seek Him and trust His perfect providence.

  2. lisa ward permalink
    November 9, 2011 6:20 AM

    lisa your words Inspire me. You are a very strong woman and I still think and pray for you and your family every day and think of you all. 2 people I am very close with all lost their children one was birth and my cousin lost her son at 2 yrs old from a medicine that was suppose to help him live killed him, They just believe God had and knew that plan for them. Loosing a child is the hardest thing anyone has to deal with. With prayer and family there for you I hope you can get through day by day. May God bless you all and make you stronger every day in this very hard time.

  3. Monika M. permalink
    November 9, 2011 8:29 AM

    you are strong enough. you are stronger than anyone I know. Since I heard about Miranda and started following all that happens in your life, I lean on you. I don’t know you but there isn’t a day I don’t think about your little baby, about the grief you’re going through, about your faith in God that blows my mind. your life is changing my life and you are a total stranger to me. this is how powerful you are.

  4. Marie Romano permalink
    November 9, 2011 8:54 AM

    Keep writing, Lisa. I have found writing to be extremely therapeautic.
    Don’t be afraid to let your feelings out. Take it one day at a time. Lean on your church family and accept any and all help from those who are willing and able to help you. Please know that you and your family are in our thoughts daily.

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