everything has changed…
Everything in my life has changed, yet it is oddly the same.
Here we sit in the second week of November, eleven months after I became pregnant with Miranda.
But we’re still a family of seven.
Nearly a year has passed me by.
I went to the local knit night last night at the library. Someone asked me how the baby was doing and then quickly apologized when I told her that she died. Others came over and hugged me and quietly said they were sorry to hear about my loss. Like it was some secret we were keeping.
I know my baby is dead. It is okay to talk about it out loud. In fact I like talking about her. I don’t want to wipe it away like it never happened. Since the beginning of the year we had been waiting and preparing for her. She was born and lived for four weeks. I have memories of her. They are few, but they are there and I like sharing them.
I realize the awkwardness of it all. I’m sure I wouldn’t know what to say if I was on the outside of this either. I’m trying to be more sensitive now to others than I was before.
I am acutely aware that the world has not stopped since the birth and death of my little girl.
I don’t really want it to.
I just don’t want to pretend that everything is “normal”. On September 29th “normal” became a foreign concept to me, my husband and my children. We will never regain what was lost.
I don’t believe that God makes mistakes. I still know that the days Miranda’s birth and death were ordained before she had been formed.
But that doesn’t erase anything.
All those feelings are there. All the pain is there.
We just aren’t walking the path alone. My strength is NOT strong enough to get me through this grief. The notion that He doesn’t give us more than we can handle… Yeah, I don’t buy into that one. It certainly isn’t scriptural or true. Surviving the loss of my baby is MUCH MORE than I can handle. I’d be completely lost in despair if it were not for the strength of my Savior.
I have to lean on Him. To choose not to do so would be even more miserable.
My challenge is to figure out how to move forward embracing all that has changed in my life while from the outside everything still looks completely the same.