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strangely (un)sad…

November 2, 2011

I miss my daughter terribly.

But don’t know if I would say I’m sad.

There isn’t a moment that passes that I don’t wish she was here in my arms. I’d be a complete liar if I said I don’t look around during my normal “kiddie head count” when we’re out and about and pause for a moment wondering where my sixth child is only to realize, again, that she is gone.

I’m not sad for her. I know she is free from her earthly, broken body and she dances in glory in Heaven. She has seen the face of my Savior. She has met our brothers and sisters in Christ that have also returned Home. She may have even already met the babies my mother lost to miscarriage, the babies other family members have lost, the babies my friends have lost. They must be having quite a celebration there in Heaven.

I’m sad for us.

We have to stay here waiting for that day when we are welcomed into Heaven, waiting in this imperfect sin-filled world, waiting for the day we get to go Home. I’m sad that my daughters will always miss their little sister. I’m sad that Nate is a big brother but he doesn’t get to hold his little sister, instead he holds her picture. Sad that my older boys will always wonder why she couldn’t be “fixed”. Sad that when my children were supposed to be learning math and history they were instead learning how to cope with death.

But I’m also full of joy.

I’m happy that I had an uncomplicated pregnancy and that even my labor was peaceful. Happy that I was able to give birth at home surrounded by people who love me, and that my other children saw and kissed their sister before the ambulance whisked her away. I’m forever grateful for the doctors, nurses and RTs at JHH who cared for my sweet girl and answered every question I had, but I am glad my faith was in my Lord and not the doctors.

I’m thankful that I had my little girl for 28 days when she could have died on that first night.

I cry often, but I take refuge in the knowledge that Miranda will never shed tears again, and that makes me un-sad for a while longer.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Taylor Restaino permalink
    November 7, 2011 12:36 AM

    Your amazing Lisa<3 I love you so much and you truly are an inspiration.. not only to me but to many others.

  2. Emmaline H permalink
    November 8, 2011 8:00 AM

    Beautifully said, Lisa, you are so strong and I admire you for that. Your faith is unbelievable and I am inspired. I thank God for you and for the stand that you have taken. I know our situations are different, but I can say that the death of your Miranda does get easier. There will be days that all you want to do is cry and think about her and that is alright. I still have those days even after almost two years. I miss our “Joy” but you have showed me such grace through this storm.

  3. Laurie permalink
    November 8, 2011 10:50 AM

    I just read this for the 3rd time, and still cry, I probably always will. You are an inspiration to ALL, a beautiful woman of God. He shines through you, and that truly is an incredible thing to be a part of. You, Vince, and your beautiful baby girl have changed me forever, totally strengthened my faith, and brought me closer to the Lord. I am always here for you and your family … no matter what. I love you all so much, and miss my precious little niece ❤

  4. November 8, 2011 8:22 PM

    This is beautiful. My first son was stillborn a month ago. Your strength is inspiring.

    • November 8, 2011 9:21 PM

      Thank you Hollie. I’m so sorry that you lost your son just days before my daughter was born. Thank you for sharing Seth’s story and yours through your blog.

  5. January 17, 2012 11:25 PM

    Thank you for sharing. May you continue to receive all the comfort you need from “the God of ALL comfort.”

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